I don’t feel good. I feel terrible, frankly. This is one of the worst decisions I’ve made in a while, and I make some pretty bad decisions.
Eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos for every meal seemed like such an air-tight plan: People are going to get a kick out of it, I get to mess around in the kitchen all day, it gives me an excuse to skip class, it’s a win-win for everybody. I had no idea $4 worth of red-dusted corn product could do so much damage, physically, emotionally and otherwise.
It feels like my stomach is eating itself from the inside out, like a starfish getting ready to eat an oyster. I’m 20 minutes away from re-enacting the scene in “Alien” where Sigourney Weaver births the baby Xenomorph, except, in my case, a half-digested, fully sentient Flamin’ Hot Cheeto monster is going to stab through my abdomen and wreak havoc in Westwood, causing mild indigestion for anybody who crosses its path.
Taco John’s – a fast-food joint based out of Wyoming – recently spiced up the food world by debuting its Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Burrito in April of this year. Spicy chorizo, nacho cheese, jalapenos, chile de arbol and an Andre the Giant handful of Flamin’ Hots – that, ladies and gentlemen, is what dreams are made of.
As an homage to Taco John’s I wanted to fully immerse myself in the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos lifestyle, and I took up the immensely important task of mashing the snack food into other foods. Cheers.
Hot Cheetos and cream cheese go together like lamb and tuna fish, or, in your country, maybe spaghetti and meatballs (props to anyone who names the movie reference). Throw a handful of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos into a food processor with half a cup of whipped cream cheese and 2 tablespoons of milk, and you’ve got yourself a vaguely disgusting kickstart to your morning routine.
This was a home run, right off the bat. Anytime you can crust unhealthy food with an even unhealthier food, you have a winning concept. Pulse the Cheetos in a food processor until they become a fine dust, then dip your chicken parts into flour, egg wash and Cheetos crumbs, and fry at 350 degrees for four to six minutes. You’re looking for a violently red color, as seen above.
I was craving something healthy, so I went with a light dinner of soup and salad. But, to stick with the theme, I served them in parmesan and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos cups. It made sense at the time, it really did. You can check out Saveur’s parmesan bowl tutorial right here. The only difference is you’re going to use a 1-to-1 ratio of parmesan to Hot Cheetos crumbs.
Just when I thought I was getting sick of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, this dessert came along and made me believe again. I adapted the recipe from the Vegetarian Times, except that for the crumble I combined 1 cup of Hot Cheeto crumbs, one-fourth of cup sugar, half cup of sweetened coconut flakes and one-fourth cup of olive oil and food-processed it all together. The pineapple was all roasty and sweet, the coconut gave it that meaty texture, and the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos gave it just enough heat to let you know that your tomorrow morning is about to be real uncomfortable.
Did you try any of these recipes? Tell us what you thought by commenting below or tweet us @dbmojo.